Ahh! I don't know what to do with my life!

Recently, I've been undergoing quite a few big changes. (and as always, I'm writing when I should be studying...)

I was sitting outside of the lecture hall before class started, and when I waved at a girl I knew since first year, she didn't recognize me at first. Honestly, it's been quite a blessing. I don't feel trapped or limited by previous notions of 'self', and that's all the LORD's doing.

This was a picture taken from the day I was unrecognizable!

My hair is dyed back to my natural hair color, although still brown since the red undertones shine through. That's something I never thought'd I'd do. Dye my hair back to black. I couldn't even imagine my hair as black, my friends also couldn't because 'red just suited me so well'. Oh, how nice it is to get back to the hair colour that God blessed me with! I do feel more like myself. I also have two new pairs of lovely glasses! (not shown in this picture unfortunately)

I just don't know where I'm going anymore. And, I know the LORD has me in His plan, and I don't need to worry, but I can't help but be a bit curious.

I'm not sure if this is a fair reference picture for a previous Nicole era because I am all dolled up (and super happy) for a birthday celebration with my lovely Henry here (i need to find a more bummy Nicole picture perhaps...)

I don't even think I want to be in Forestry anymore...! But, now what... forestry was so nice and easy... professors know me on a first name basis... I'm scared to leave what's familiar even though it is no longer serving me or, more importantly, I don't think it's honouring God.

I'm thinking about accounting, but I personally think I am quite lacking in communication skills and problem solving... the weird thing is I always had such a limiting mindset on math, but I've also been quite good with it. The only thing that's held me back is myself. I overcomplicate things that are simple. Once I get it though, I get it.

I'm praying to the LORD to know where He's leading me, but it doesn't feel super clear just yet. Recently, Henry reminded me that I don't have to be good at everything. And that was really helpful because I always strive to be perfect at everything and do everything, which can be good! but... I don't know where my strengths lie.

I've done so much to please my parents, put a few dreams aside or discarded things into the depths of my subconscious because deep down I knew they wouldn't approve. And I'm really struggling to figure out what I'm good at. I'm mediocre at many things, but I feel like a master of nothing. I don't know what I'm meant to be doing, I don't know what He will call me to do, I don't even know what I like.

I thought I enjoyed performing for years later to find out that I had just undergone so many terrible forced piano performances that I just thought the feeling was 'normal' and was convinced by people that I liked performing. I stayed in Drama in high school for years because, yes, I did like parts of it- the analysing of scripts for deeper meaning, the studying of a character- but to be honest, I am rather a horrible performer who got through it with brute force and repetitive practice. I didn't want to switch to another elective because I was somewhat comfortable, and also, I wanted to prove to myself I could do it. It was one of those things that I hated and didn't want to do, so doing it was also good in a sense. But I stayed in a choir recently for too long even though I hated it. I love singing, but performing isn't for me. I'm good at online, carefully fabricated and planned out meticulous pieces and posts... but that's kind of a different story anyways.

It's still hard putting my life in the hands of the LORD even though He created me and knows me best. Which is a rather silly statement seeing it written down now, but I can be impatient, and want to take control. I've pleased my parents for so long, but now that I'm on the journey to know the LORD, I really want to focus on honouring and pleasing my Eternal Father instead.

I've been talked out of so many things by family. Not to say I couldn't have pursued it still, that part's still on me. It's reassuring to know the LORD is in control, because it's all in His plans, I just have to surrender to Him.

I think He's bringing me closer and closer to the version of myself that I always wanted to be. I have my lovely long hair, and I get to wear pretty skirts and dresses, and hopefully have very cute babies (i love babies!!!!!) and cook awesome food and decorate a lovely house, be the first person my children hear The Gospel from, and become a kind, gentle, selfless woman. I have a wealth of knowledge available to me anytime. I have a Creator who loves me and wants to know me! What a blessing that is! And even if I didn't have all the worldly things I mentioned... I really don't matter, I must decrease so that He can increase. What I want and who I am have to be given up for Jesus. Living my life for Jesus instead of for me is what I want, regardless of anything else.

(side note: not that he'll ever see this... but... thank you Mr. Liao for saying you think I would be a good mom- i remember when you were going to have your first baby and i didn't want to bring a child into this world because of how horrible it was and how i didnt want to cause a child trauma, and you told me that you thought i'd be a good mom, that always stuck with me.)

I recently went to San Francisco with my mom, it was during reading break actually, and I relied on the LORD quite a lot there. I leaned on Him, talked to Him in my head. He helped me to share my faith with my mom and have a pretty tough conversation I could never have even thought of having with her. I wrote a poem then that I wanted to share on this blog, but it didn't feel right, and I wasn't ready yet. I think I'm ready now, and I hope to share that poem on here soon, LORD-willing.

I've been thinking about the poem I wrote here awhile back "i miss me'. I don't miss me anymore. There's a new me that's in the midst of being born again. And none of this glory is mine.

I'm a bit scared of the path ahead, the challenges that are lined up, the hard work I've been running away from... but this verse comforts me: "My flesh and my heart faileth: But God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever." (Psalm 73:26).