Freewrite

Miloh says hi :)

It's been awhile since I've posted anything, I just haven't been writing a lot recently. I haven't felt inspired for a long long time.

edit: please excuse any typos... i wrote this pretty freely and quickly, and it's a bit more of a journal entry than a blog post...

I do want to catch up with my imaginary audience though. (Hi to future Nicole reading this!)

I believe in Christ now, and I want to follow Him forever. He's changed, and is changing, my life in significant ways. My beliefs have changed quite a lot.

He's shown me things about myself that I've struggled to see because I didn't want to admit how horrible I was. But also, Jesus has shown me through all that, even with all this darkness in me, that He still wants to know me.

I'm still not fully born again. I still want to do things I want to do and be in control. I still feel lost sometimes, but I cannot change myself, only He can.

I don't know where He's leading me, and I don't trust Him all the time. My faith is still weak and growing. I'm still extremely selfish, and I don't know how to properly love and think about those who are close to me.

What I can tell you, though, is that I have significantly less anxiety. Things that used to make my heart pound don't anymore. I do feel changed, and it's not a type of change I could have done myself. I feel more free. I don't feel tied to 'social obligations', and I don't know how to fully describe that. I guess what I mean is that I don't feel the need to be up to date with trends and do what everyone else is doing. Even with all the turmoil within, I feel more at peace then ever before.

LORD willing, I hope to raise a lovely family and be present. To put my children above my own needs and wants, above a career and luxury goods, to be there and create a safe and stable environment.

I don't really know where I'm going anymore and or what I'm meant to do, but I have Christ now and that's all I need.

I hope you can encounter Him in your own life. My own journey was a pretty wild one, and I would not have expected to end up here. I used to hate Christ. I used to hate anything related to Jesus or God. And yet, He still pulled me in because He can do anything! The beliefs in true Christianity are quite contrasting to the current ideologies in the world, and I was quite hesitant to change. But, the more I learn about Jesus and live in a way that aligns with Him, the better and fuller I feel. And I used to think that I knew all about Jesus and 'this whole Christianity thing', but God showed me I knew nothing about the truth, I only knew the world's perspective on it.

I started to see people who live for Jesus, and there was something different about them. There was a brightness and awakeness in their eyes. He gives me more understanding every day. Thinking back, God has been in my life the entire time and kept me from going too far in a lot of ways.

I think it's really scary to believe in something you can't really see- God isn't necessarily the most tangible thing. He isn't something that I can simply pick up, hold, and see in an instant. It's scary to surrender the idea of yourself and let go of control, and I think when you do that with anything other than The Creator, it is a bad idea. But God knows everything about you. When you begin to seek The One who created you, it is a priceless experience.

You've probably heard how humans are like dolphins and are social beings, and I believe that's true. We are inherently relational, and we are meant to know the LORD because He created us. Life isn't as 'unserious' as people make it out to be. Life isn't all about glory and riches, even if that's what's drilled into us.

I grew up in a wealthy household. I grew up getting everything I wanted. The toys I wanted, the clothes I wanted, the food I wanted, you name it, I had it. The one thing I didn't have, that I always wanted was love. So I sought it elsewhere, from boys, from teachers, from literally anything, I wanted to fill that deep void. My parents prioritized their work over me in many ways. I grew up alone, reading books, eyes stuck to an Ipad Mini watching movies, dreaming to be the pretty girl in the film because maybe then I'd be loved. I've had a life filled with riches. I grew up with a big bedroom and my own bathroom, a chandelier in my house, a three-door garage, a sauna in my house, and leased Mercedes, Lexus cars, Teslas... and none of it was fulfilling.

The only thing that has ever filled that void in the pit of my stomach has been Jesus. Not weed, or drinking, or short skirts and corsets, or money, only Jesus Christ. Living my life for Him, letting go of control so that He can change me for the better and live through me, that is the only thing that has ever given me everything. He knows me better than anyone, He knows what I need. Sometimes my wants aren't what I need. Sometimes a toddler wants to eat a big chocolate bar when they should be eating their veggies.

I'm done trying to take control of my own life and live a life for me, a life of success, or fame, or of riches. I'm ready to live a life for Jesus.