God-given Joy.

There's something different about it. Something real.

(Left: Me at 21, Right: Me at 19)

I've started back at an old job, the first time I worked there, I was 19, and I felt completely unqualified, like an absolute fraud.

Now I'm 21, and maybe it's just me, but I think I look happier in the picture to the left, that's the one I took a couple of days ago.

Okay, so what... It's only been two years, what's changed? Well, the Lord has sought me out, and I am diligently seeking, knocking at His door until He opens.

I have a lot of studying to do for my courses, but I can't help but write; I've been wanting to for a couple of days now.

God's grace is something I still struggle to understand. There's still a part in me, a part of me that thinks I can do something. That I can save myself. He's shown me time and time again how this is a false belief, yet I still hold on to it. I'm struggling to let go of my life, of my belongings. To give it all to Him. I don't want to lose (my sense of) control. I'm struggling to trust and to willingly serve and obey whatever He commands.

But I forget that He is good, He does everything for a reason.

He's revealed this to me (again...). But even though I don't think I'm fully there, fully given Him every square inch of my soul and heart, that I don't yet grasp the message of the Gospel, I've still seen Him work in me.

A completely and utterly undeserved work. He's helped me to love deeper and love better. To know what love truly is (not this crazy romcom one-sided adrenaline rush I used to think it was). I've felt more grateful, more self-aware, more awake. Less anxious, less bitter, less empty. He's teaching me about forgiveness. I used to (and something I still do...) hold the worst grudges. I'd remember something someone did to me five years ago, and never be able to forget or let it go. I've done things I could never have imagined even doing because I didn't think I was capable, but through Christ, anything is possible if it is in His will!

I've felt joy. God-given joy.

The pursuit of happiness has stopped. The pursuit of salvation has taken its place. And it's all because of the Lord, for His glory and His sake alone.

As much as I might like to believe I've done something to deserve this, there is nothing I could have done. Only through Christ Jesus. Only through sheer grace has He revealed the truth unto me. And I pray that He continues to reveal more and more to me.

I don't have to hide in the shadows of darkness anymore, I don't have to be scared of the darkness or worry about what tarot cards or some psychic on TikTok tells me. The Lord is revealing to me more and more my true nature (it's wretched), He's opening my eyes to truth, what it means to be a woman in a creation-honouring way! What true joy! To glorify and honour Him forever!

Don't get me wrong, there is also (and more so) true solemnity in all of this. A sobering truth and a depth to the gospel and sin that I have yet to fully wrap my head around. But there is also joy, a joy that is embedded in truth, not founded on any false, temporal things. A joy where your treasures are laid up in eternity, not looking at things below, but on things above.

I still have a long way to go. A loooooooooooooong way.... and I pray that He helps me to seek, and guides me in the right ways because I cannot do it without Him.

 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33, King James Version)