As I've gotten older, I feel like I've let the magic of Christmas run away from me.
I don't want to let that happen anymore. But what is Christmas about now as I continue to learn and gain insight and grow more into me? It isn't as simple as rushing down the stairs for presents, I think there's some complexity to it now. What IS Christmas about? Gifts? Lights? Hot chocolate and winter festivities? Snow? Ice skating? Candy canes? Or is it all of that stuff, but also none of it and more all at the same time? Yet, at the same time, I think it's simple enough once you grasp the concepts. That does go for everything to some extent though. Once something clicks, it clicks. Once that epiphany occurs, that "Eureka!" moment, it clears up. We tend to make simple things so complex now, but taking a step back and looking at what YOU want and believe in, can clear the feeling of certain concepts and things being so so so abstract.
And I know I'm generalizing like crazy, and I don't want to invalidate anyone, but this is true for me and I am writing this blog in my eyes and for me. Of course things are always going to be difficult, but I do think I, personally, have a tendency to overcomplicate. So take everything with a grain of salt, and leave what doesn't resonate outside of the door that goes into your big big brain.
This post talks a little about Christmas and the movie The Grinch, but it still should be readable for the folks who don't celebrate because I'll simply be using them as parallels/metaphors to strengthen the concepts I'm talking about today. (POTENTIAL SPOILERS AHEAD!! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!)
I've been trying to spend more time with my family during this winter break because I never go home for dinner despite being a thirty-minute drive away from campus. Honestly, sometimes I don't want to even though I know it's a privilege to have them so close to me. I've just felt so smothered and sheltered my whole life that once I got freedom, I didn't want to look back. But every time I come home, my parents tell me to come home more and it does hurt my heart. I know they want to spend time with me, but it's so hard sometimes when I haven't completely healed from all the wounds that they took part in causing.
Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. They sacrificed so much for me and have done so much for me, and I know they love me too, but it doesn't stop these feelings. They were pretty much always working when I was little, one parent was usually going back and forth to China, especially my mom when I was in preschool and it was hard. I didn't have security because someone was ALWAYS leaving. Or when they were here, they weren't THERE. They had two kids going to university and had to work A LOT, so sometimes I didn't feel like a priority, I just felt like such a big burden. I had to play by myself a lot, or I got dumped at friends' houses. I didn't have any way to cope with my mom being gone back then either, I used to cry and go smell her clothes in her closet because I missed her so much. So there's a lot of pain in those memories still and even writing this I can still feel my heart hurt a little. But now they're older, more secure financially, less worried about their two kids nearing thirty and focusing on the youngest that has distanced herself from the family. They WANT to spend time with me now and it's hard for me to say yes when I was denied so much in the past, but I've been trying more recently.
So, tonight, I watched the 2018 version of "The Grinch" with my parents after dinner. It feels better when I initiate it because I feel more in control and I'm sure it's nice for them to hear that I want to spend time with them too. Anyways, so there we are sitting there together on the couch, and my Dad wants me to sit in between them because they never see me and I think honestly we didn't really have a physically intimate relationship as a kid, and I think he's softened up as the years have gone by and he's seen me slip away a little. At first, I was really reluctant and it was a little awkward and uncomfortable, but it was still nice, I just had my guard up a little. But by the end of the movie, he let me use his leg as a pillow which is a big change from when I used to sleep in the same bed as him (when I was super young and my mom was in China working) and he would tell me to face my back towards him and we'd sleep at the ends of this king sized bed, backs facing each other.
I've been slightly off track/ setting up the background for stuff relevant to the title, but I promise I'm getting there. Okay.
So there we are watching The Grinch, and I'm almost tearing up at some points. I'm also analyzing this movie with my brain in English mode, looking for things that can be found when digging deeper because that's how my overthinky brain works, but also it was to distract myself from the discomfort I was feeling too. It is such a good movie, but while I'm watching it, I'm thinking to myself like "why am I HIM? why do I relate to him so much?" and I start looking for similarities and reasoning because, obviously, I can't just FEEL my emotions, I have to dissect and interrogate them instead (duh! need to avoid them somehow, might as well do so intellectually! half kidding on this one, also just reflecting. TRYING SO HARD to find the balance).
I hope you enjoy this piece on why I think I could be (like) The Grinch, or at least relate to him and some important big ideas for life that are portrayed in this movie, specifically the 2018 version if you'd like to give it a watch.
As previously mentioned, I have things that I'm working on to heal from still, and the movie foreshadows this for Grinch too until it's revealed later on that he's essentially been isolated his whole life. At first, it wasn't by choice because he's an orphan and there's this separation from all the other Whos that have families and that celebrate Christmas. So there's a lot of pain for him with anything associated with Christmas because it's a reminder of the loneliness that he had to go through as a kid. You also learn at the beginning of the movie that this bitterness might come from the fact that his heart is two sizes too small and he 'chooses' to live away from all the people in a relatively hermit-like fashion.
I totally resonated with this idea of a past that haunts you and follows you everywhere you go. We both try to run from the past and sometimes it's debilitating rather than rehabilitating. And I understood the heart sizes in a way that relates to resentment and hurt; because he isn't healed from the past and there's so much pain and resentment, it's holding up space in his heart. He has things suppressed and it takes up his capacity for other things like contentment and love. Hurt hasn't been let go so there isn't space for better things yet. It's hard for bad stuff to be overweighed by good when it's still in you and unhealed, when your mindset is still a past version of you that's in survival mode. But resentment doesn't fix the past, I think it kinda honestly brings you back more, especially when you try to hide from it. The narrative YOU spin in your own head is also important because it can cloud you sometimes; the perspective you have on the world and the people who hurt you can skew your perspective on people who have done no such thing yet. And I think sometimes pride can be harmful when it is rooted in resentment and hurt because it can become a wall rather than a shield. Instead of protecting, it blocks and when that protection turns into blockage, (in this case his heart being too small, and in my case just this sentence...), something needs to change.
I actually wrote something in my journal around the beginning of April this year and I'm going to insert it in here because it's relevant and I liked the metaphor I used.
"Pain. The concept of pain is so odd, yet without it, how do we know IF and WHEN we feel? Pain invokes the feeling of 'hurt' because your body WANTS to let it go. To let it OUT. Yet, the tighter you hold, the more it hurts. To what extent will you value the 'comfort' and 'stability' of that pain over uncomfortable, but NECESSARY growth? It's hard to move on and let go when you've superglued yourself to the past. And I don't think it's a matter of getting new, unglued feet... but figuring out how and why you did that."
Growth IS uncomfortable, but to improve you have to step out, like hermit crabs have to leave the homes on their back to find a better and new one as they continue to grow. There's this element of TRUST and it's really hard. What sometimes feels uncomfortable later leads to comfort, and I think it comes from both the contrast from where you once came, but also the insight. You've learned something new, and you've just confirmed your capability to conquer something that once maybe scared you.
You know so much more now. The past you is STILL you, but the mistakes you made are NOT what make you YOU. Mistakes are lessons to guide you and teach you things. (she says while being a raging perfectionist that is so hard on herself) Show yourself some kindness, it goes a long way. Even if it's something small, it's still SOMETHING rather than nothing.
The second thing I both learned and resonated with is that having a big heart isn't a sign of weakness at all, if anything, you're stronger. Vulnerability is hard, to open yourself up to a world that sometimes is mean and unaccepting is so admirable. CHOOSING to have a big heart is a decision that comes with heavy commitment and I'm proud of myself whenever I try to do so. Even if I am like him and relate to some of the more negative traits, it also means I, too, have the potential to change and be someone good. To love and BE loved. I want to embrace my grinchy side and accept it and use what I can in a good way rather than continue to avoid avoid avoid.
I have two more things that resonated with me/ things I took from the movie.
A callback to a previous blog post, specifically the report card crying one, it's the idea of materialism again. Christmas sometimes becomes too focused on the gifts and not the thought behind them or the idea of getting together. Even with the lack of pageantry in Whoville, there is still joy because there's this appreciation of non-material goods, the idea that Christmas comes from within. I just found it so crazy I watched this movie a few days after writing that post and while I'm trying to navigate these issues. Throughout the movie, you see him with all these insane gadgets and inventions he's created. But, there's also this hidden dependency on these material goods to keep him satisfied and almost to substitute for the lack of community and connection he has. He compensates for the lack of one thing with the abundance of something else which is something I have done often. He's SMART, but he uses his talents in the wrong way because of hurt, he has so much potential to help the community. But by the end of the movie, he walks to Cind-Lou's house with nothing but Max, his dog, and his Christmas tie on. He's helping out and he's involved with the community, but there isn't any emphasis on his inventions anymore. It's all of his internal traits coming out to play; he's thoughtful, kind, genuine, and vulnerable.
Connection is so important and I'm starting to realize that more and more. It's just hard to reach out sometimes and it's a matter of finding good people to be around. Of course, everyone needs alone time, but there's a line drawn between taking time alone to recharge and just completely isolating. There's a balance between how much connection each person needs and also how accessible it is. I'm trying to reach out to people I trust more when I can and I hope you do so too, it does help, even if it's a little :)
I hope you embrace your inner Grinch, but the one with the heart that grew three sizes bigger.
Happy Holidays.
Nicole
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