backstory/content/info: this is going to sound so silly, but i think i may be my blog's most frequent reader. actually, im retracting the silly comment because i did say this is my virtual journal and i am entitled to read this whenever i want. anyways... i have finals coming up, but i was studying with my friend maria and i could not be bothered to study. i ended up reading my own posts and finding insightful stuff i do not even remember writing. i went through all my posts again, and looked at this tangible growth. it was really cool.
i then went another step and took a look at my journal. it was this journal ms. aura, an amazing teacher who hosted open mics in highschool, had gifted me in grade 8. i was always so scared to use it, i think i ripped out a few pages, but it has been a vent journal for very very dark times, very very good times, and mundane times too. it's just there for me whenever, i've even cited it in one of my posts (the grinch one i think!), and i saw this little excerpt i wrote that i really liked. i wrote it on may 21st, 2022 and i think its cool, soooo i am sharing that with myself again and you all today. hope you like it or resonate or something :) (also i might edit some stuff? just stylistic growth or deleting stuff that i dont want to share or adding new stuff, etc.)
"some people would rather kill your plants than try to nurture their own. which, obviously, is pretty fucked. i find myself struggling to find the differences between pesticide people and fertilizer folk. like, obviously, when you're starving and your neighbour has a flourishing garden... some people (even me sometimes......) may lash (i think i feel envy?) out and want to eat their neighbour's veggies. but i feel like it's a matter of "do i learn from someone and cultivate my own garden?" or "do i focus on the comparison and destroy other people's plants and essentially... learn nothing and set everyone back?" ... i feel like the latter option doesn't benefit anyone. it's the battle of the cultivators vs. crushers, and i feel like, at least for me, it's hard to have a growth mindset (pun intended!) when there's always this risk of having someone or even myself, rip up all my "plants", but i also strongly believe things happen for a reason. maybe i need people to kill my plants until i get sick enough of this behaviour and start building gates and being exclusive about who i share my resources."
i think this concept is pretty interesting. i have since then been able to build up so more gates and let fewer pesticide people into my lovely garden. but there's just one person who keeps sneaking past my gate guard... and it's me. i'll see that im doing good, and this little voice in my head will wake up at 3am and start going on a rampage.
since writing the above excerpt, i have learned to talk to that little voice a bit. i know why she's there now, she's trying to help in her own little weird way and i've realized i can listen to her and understand without having to follow through on the action. my garden still has a few pests, but it has been flourishing more than ever.
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