Recently, a lot of mundane tasks and day-to-day activities have been sparking some pretty crazy epiphanies I haven't ever really had before. I'm writing this at 2am, but this one came to me tonight on Christmas Eve (happy xmas to those who celebrate by the way!) while playing cards with my family after dinner.
I've been at one of my lowest lows, but also some of my highest highs and I've been realizing and learning and relearning tons.
My family rarely spends time together. When we do, it's for dinner time (but even then sometimes we can't all catch each other and eat at the same time), during the holiday season(s), and my favourite: card games. We have this crazy one we've played for several years, I think I might have learned how to play when I was maybe 7 years old or even younger. It's kinda like 'big two' from what I've seen but also not at the same time. I think we used to play pretty often, but now it's a big treat to play because I associate it with the holidays after our special dinners, or sometimes just when we all have the free time and capacity to play which is a lot rarer now. So I've learned to highly cherish this time. Also, I'm pretty fucking good at it and it makes me feel SO POWERFUL.
I don't know the English name for it, but it roughly translates to something relating to the black aces in the deck, so I'm going to call it 'black ace' going forward. There are endless rules that you only learn as you play more (through experience and insight) and it's really confusing for new players, but also is so extremely addictive once you've got a good understanding. Basically, the most BASIC of basic objectives is 1. get ALL your cards out and place as close to the top as you can, and 2. try and figure out whose on your team based on whether you think they have a red ace/no ace (team 1) or black ace (team 2). But there's a catch to the teams: all aces played in rounds are put face down and kept by your side until the end of the game, then when everyone is out, you all reveal your aces to see who is on which team. You have to make judgement calls and decipher team from enemy without actually SEEING it. Based on the placements of you and your team members, you can either win, draw, or lose. The rules are pretty just and fair, but there's also an element of luck and strategy if you want to be the best 'black ace' player.
We played for maybe an hour or two, but within that timespan, my poor old Dad just kept. on. losing. It got to the point where it was noticeable and everyone was cracking jokes about it, but this got me thinking about the concept of 'winning' or 'losing' in life too. It also just gave me such a tangible way to look at the effects of what happens after previously having to be in survival mode for so long. He lost so many times that even when he won, he was doing things that were tasks for the losing team (basically each loser, they have to give their best card to the winning team and receive one card back that the winners don't want). Even when he won a few rounds, he was still in 'losing mode' and so his habits made him act accordingly. Even when he was winning, he couldn't WIN because he was still losing in his mind. His narrative in his mind was different from his reality, it was habitual for him.
My Dad came from the rural countryside parts of China where there were some points that he would go to sleep hungry. Before he was in university, he didn't ever rest on the weekends, that was for working. So now, even when he's resting, I don't know if he's ever RESTING you know? And I think, honestly, he still has troubles with relaxing and I see that trait in me as well. There were times when I was younger that I would get told that because I played the day before, I couldn't go out or had to work the next day. It's funny because now they all worry about me stressing too much or working too hard.
I've started reading "Anxiously Attached" by Jessica Baum after one of my friends (Gia!) mentioned it to me and she said something in the introduction of her book that I knew already, but it was a needed reminder. How we are now, is affected by our upbringing and such, but "this isn't about blaming our parents for anything. They did the best they could with what they received." (Baum).
So you might be asking yourself right now: "Nicole, what the fuck are you even on about? How is this relevant to this random card game that I'm not even familiar with? So what?"
Well, imaginary reader with a super mean way of asking me questions even though I wrote said questions so technically I'm just being mean to myself, let's go back to the idea that our parents did what they could with what they received with everything you've just read fresh in your mind and this very slight idea of this 'black ace' card game.
Some people have to put in considerably more work to even potentially draw with the other players based on the cards they're dealt, their teammates, how they play their cards, and luck. Losing CONSTANTLY can psych people out sometimes.
Literally and figuratively, the cards are dealt the way they're dealt and it's up to you to play them in the best way possible. It's okay if you fall on your face too, you can win the next round.
There is an element of luck to this game, and to life, but it's also predominantly strategy. (Obviously this is not with everything!!!) You can have a shit hand and still end up on the winner's side if you and your team play right. You are not alone. You have people secretly (and not so secretly) backing you up both in the realm of cards, but also in THIS world too. There's the idea of looking out for people, putting them first sometimes for the greater good. Letting someone go ahead of you because in the long run, it benefits both of you. If you focus on yourself, you could place first and STILL draw. Let's say we're playing with four people: if your teammate gets first place with your help, you place second or even third and still win (because your partner beats whoever is in second place, and if you're third, you beat the opposing team because then they would be in fourth place, like a hierarchy almost??). Some things are uncontrollably based on luck, but strategy sometimes gives you a slight leg up when you're still on the ground level.
Some people just get better hands dealt to them. If you keep losing because your cards aren't good, you might start doing what my Dad did and take on this mindset that you'll just ALWAYS lose. It's best to learn to take the lessons from all the rounds you lost, but not fully absorb every loss and use it in your personal narrative as a defining trait for your identity. Big picture. It's obviously easier said than done, and this is something I struggle so much with.
My Dad kept losing, but I kept winning. This isn't as accurate for the card game, but more for real life. Just bare with me because I'm sure you're confused with this whole metaphor when I'm using a game you've probably never heard of. But he's lost so much and so often so that I have opportunities to win, to get better hands in these card games, so I can have a winning mindset. I can learn and take from his experiences. He took on the burden to sometimes lose so that I could have a better chance at winning and I'm not letting that go the waste. His efforts are NOT ever going to go to waste.
I'm playing to win, will you?
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