i miss me

i miss me.

i miss who i used to be

when i had time to make silly little rhymes

that helped to release the sadness

that i tend to bottle in

when i didn't rely

on my red hair

to keep the fire within me.

when i could laugh like there was no tomorrow

and didn't feel an inkling of sorrow.

i miss

when my body didn't feel so heavy

like a burden that's too hard to carry,

when it wasn't a body i wanted to bury,

because i didn't feel dead yet.

when my mind didn't feel so foggy,

and i didn't wake up groggy,

yearning

to feel

something.

because i could just feel.

when happiness was still real.

like it's this sickness

that i can't even heal from.

i miss

when i felt

like me.

but now i feel like this ceramic doll

who has done so much

to stop the cracking,

so she puts up these walls

because i'd rather be the reason i break

or i convince myself i can fake it

till i make it.

because then at least

i'm in control...

right?

but i feel like i can't breathe,

like my chest is tight,

like fight or flight is my default.

but it feels like i'm slipping away,

like i can't hold on any longer,

like i'm not getting any stronger,

and that i have to grow up.

i feel like i'm struggling

but i can't tell anyone,

so i'll just keep juggling all

my problems

until one ball falls

and then another

and another

and

another

until i'm left

with empty hands.