I should be studying for my CONS final but that is not happening tonight realistically <3. So let's start!
Woah. A very heavily loaded title for sure. Also, keep in mind I don't really know who I'm writing for other than me but in a sense that I'm still sharing it with the world but also it isn't necessarily FOR the world? I don't know if that makes sense but basically I'm saying not to expect these all to be helpful because I'm using this site as my virtual journal HAHA.
I'd like to say I'm happy I'm pretty when I cry because I cry A LOT. It's about the only time blood rushes into my cheeks and nose without me having to use blush. Especially recently, I've just been frequently hydrating my face with salty tears. And I was talking to my sister and she said something that resonated SO MUCH with me, and she said it so well that I'm just going to directly quote her. What she told me was: "I don't think this is talked about enough, that change from teenage hood to young adulthood [.] It's like grieving the loss of a part of your life and blindly walking into another". Wow. Something about that clicked so much for me and I've been realizing more and more how I've just been running away from things. I'm running so much in my head despite my hate for it (that's a story for another day...).
I've had more time to reflect on myself these past few days of winter break and it's taken a toll on me. I've sat with myself more than I have in MONTHS. I've cried multiple times every day, and that's okay. I'm letting out pent up, buried emotions I've tried to desperately avoid.
I've noticed that I've been losing myself and it's feeling like I've been slowly deteriorating. Like I'm a month old bouquet that's been neglected. I feel dead, all dried and shriveled, like I have mouldy stems and my water hasn't been changed for days, like even if you just bumped into me, all my petals would fall. But I think I've been losing myself, because it's pieces of me that need to go. I tend to like materialistic things (I'm a taurus), or I find myself defining myself with labels or physical things. I've found that I have a pattern for seeking external validation rather than internal and that manifests into how I define myself too.
This is going to semi tie into the title finally and it'll all make sense for you my dear reader.
In high school, I don't think I was the most liked person and I found it a little hard to maintain connections and yeah, some of it was my fault. I didn't know what I know now in regards to a lot of things like communication and boundaries and so on. So sometimes, it was a tough environment because I found myself isolating a lot whether it was my choice or not. Because of this, I BURIED myself in school work even more than I already did. I was always an avid learner and I always wanted good grades. I knew it was a way to get my parents to be proud of me and happy, but also it gave ME something to identify with. I could be... SMART. I didn't have the most stable childhood experience growing up, so I found myself using teachers as parental figures because sometimes they were there for me more than my parents could be. I had it engrained in me that high grades = love from both my "parents" at school and parents at home.
Soon enough, I was building myself a little family at school. I had people I could go to that would open their arms and hearts to me when I needed it. I used to play Wordle with my chem teacher and talk to her during break whenever she was there. The librarians knew my name and we always would talk. My drama teacher, he talked to the principle after she commented on my clothing. My physics teacher used to show me pictures of his baby and food he made. My english teacher and I always had early morning chats because I got to his class so early and I would bring him sky flake crackers because he loved them. He had such a heavy impact on especially the last two years of my high school career and kept me sane sometimes. I wrote some of my best work senior year in his class and was able to integrate things I care about into my writing. I texted my math teacher questions all day and even crocheted cat hats for her and her children. My french teacher agreed with me about how weird it was that admin had been commenting on my wardrobe. My socials (and pe) teacher called me out and taught me how to learn more by arguing and thinking from the other side. I made crochet hats for my club sponsor teacher who was also my grade 8 bio teacher, he always was willing to talk to me when I had nowhere to go at lunch. My music and drama teachers pushed me to be someone I never would have become without them. I used to sell bubble tea as a fundraiser for clubs and run around the school delivering to teachers, trying to convince the science teachers that they ALL wanted one so so bad. I was good at persuading, I gave very convincing arguments. My grade 11 bio teacher gave us a lesson about some impactful women in the biological field after I said that all the documentaries we were watching were of old white men. My grade 8 friends and I bought crystals on a ferry for teachers on a trip after we got in trouble. My socials teacher was willing to discuss 1984 with me after school despite me not being in his class since grade 10. My grade 9 french teacher let me sit with her in resource in grade 11 even when I wasn't part of that and we just chatted, she even commissioned me to make her daughter a crochet earthworm. My automotive teacher and I always had conversations about political topics and he would even try to educate the guys in there. I never had here as a teacher, but I had this lovely teacher who hosted open mics and I was so so timid in grade 8, but I wanted to read something and she asked me to read if I would like to. I said yes. I continued to do the open mics she hosted throughout all of highschool. It was the most lovely outlet ever. I miss it so much. There's more that I'm sure I'm forgetting. All of them had a pattern of telling me not to stress or to take a day off. They knew me. They moulded and shaped me. They, at the end of the day, made me who I am today. Even when I didn't know who I was, or didn't believe in myself, didn't see the potential in myself, they did.
It's been a lot harder than I thought to be away from that because I was so excited to get out of that school at first. It slipped my mind completely that I would be losing a whole support system. I've visited the school, but it feels off. Like I know it's time for another era of my life but I'm trying to hold on so hard. When I went to go see them, it felt like I had already put an invisible barrier between me and them so I wouldn't attach myself again even when I know I still am. I've emailed my english teacher a few times for resources and to say thanks for everything, but not a lot of my other teachers, like I'm scared to reach out because I've graduated and should be moving on or something. Today I reached out to my drama teacher and checked in and just gave thanks. He emailed back in an hour or so and I started reading it and just IMMEDIATELY felt tears drip down my face. It was such a brief (but also sweet) email, but it just further confirmed how removed I am from them now and how much I miss all of them. I also miss the praise and not having to self validate myself, I was being told by trusted people that I was smart or capable. The amount of times my drama teacher has pulled me out of my head has been insane. I LOVED report cards because I always worked my ass off (to some points to an unhealthy extent) to get good grades and I liked seeing the comments because they made me feel good about me and gave me confirmation that I was smart and a good person and whatnot.
There isn't the same community in university. I had lovely first semester professors who knew me and talked to me, but I can't drop into their classroom at lunch to ask a quick question anymore. I know there are office hours, but the convenience and connection have been so much lower. But I do think the change was needed, or else I would never be on my way to learn how to love myself and seek internal reassurance and such. It obviously still sucks, but I'm on track to learn an insanely valuable lesson that I've been trying to learn for eighteen years, and at the end of the day, I'm sure that's what my high school teachers want for me anyways. I'm finding strength in the memories and trying to find a way to give myself the same compassion they gave to me
By the way I'm not checking for typos. It is 11pm, I have not studied for an (open book) final and I still need to shower. I have priorities and I did not prioritize them.
Update: It is now 12:30am, I have showered and semi-checked for typos
Anyways,
LOVE YOU LOTS
Nicole
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