i recently did a free write for my forestry 150 class (hence the scholarly title hehe) and the prompt asked how i felt about perfectionism. perfectionism and i have a complicated relationship, a love-hate one you could say. i did write some interesting things while doing that free write that i wanted to share with you today and perhaps write some analysis of it or dive deeper in.
i actually haven't been writing here because i've been waiting to write the "perfect" post... none of my ideas felt right or worthy
the gist of my discovery is: perfectionism helped me with my validation needs when they weren't being met elsewhere
here is what i wrote, with a little bit of editing (just for grammar or maybe removing things i dont necessarily want to share publicly) and more analysis right now
Perfectionism is something I have strived for since I can remember. I wanted to be the best in everything. I wanted to be FIRST in EVERYTHING. I don't know quite know where it stemmed from (maybe to please my parents?) but a podcast (i think Mel Robbins?) said that rejection or fear of rejection can be a large factor in that and I can see that resonating with myself. I feel like I always felt isolated whether that was reality or not because I felt alone with myself too. If I was perfect, why wouldn't people like me? I got 10/10 on a quiz, oh! I know I'm smart! evidence see!!!
But I don't know how to feel about it anymore, because now it feels like a guilty pleasure because I know it isn't good for me or healthy, but I also know how to do it (and do it well at times) and I can reach perfection *majority* of the time and it feels so good because I feel productive. It just takes such a toll on me every day because for someone who is scared of failure (getting better though!) I REALLY set myself up for it. How do I reach a bar that I can't even see because that's how high I've set it for myself?
I think it's hard because I use perfection as a form of validation (THIS WAS THE NEW DISCOVERY!), yes the rejection thing as well, but also because I needed someone or something to validate me when I wasn't shown affection in other forms and I didn't know how to validate myself yet. It was a way to confirm things about myself or find ways to confirm traits I had that I was too scared to admit I had. I didn't want to admit I'm smart because it felt cocky and what if someone proved otherwise? So it was a way for me to feel good about myself or feel like I personally knew that I was good at something (but even then I couldn't accept it, but I just thought someday it would ALL click after I *reached perfection* i thought it would be like an ascension or enlightenment of some sort). I always want to be the best even when it isn't realistic given certain circumstances or variables. Like I cannot be the fastest runner, I am not training every day nor is that my calling. It just isn't possible to be PERFECT all the time or the absolute BEST at everything. Also how boring would that be... WHAT WOULD I EVEN LEARN? I LOVE LEARNING. What even is perfect at the end of the day? is it not subjective? why do I put this unnecessary pressure on myself? on others?
I just don't know how to feel about it because I love it, but I know it isn't good for me. It was like my first cigarette/first drink/first joint or edible before I even experienced any substance use, I was already using perfectionism. So maybe that's why I feel like I love it because I'm somewhat reliant on perfection even when it takes a toll on me or the benefits are lost and all I take home at the end of the day is nothing but a black hole of unfulfilled needs because I just have expectations that are far too high. I just get sucked into it and fall back into it and sometimes when I'm already so drained, it's so hard for me to work actively against it.
I just think I would like to be able to grow out of it and not be the most "perfect" me, not the best me, but my favourite me like a post I saw on Instagram, (i think on @decolonizemyself, not sure) , because that leaves room for error and space for realistic standards. I just want to be happy and love myself and be successful and contribute to this lovely world in my own way. I didn't feel like I could make errors as a child without a reactive scene happening or getting a negative reaction when I was simply just trying to exist and survive while being trapped in a home that I wasn't the happiest in at times. I just didn't feel safe to ever make mistakes, and once I had built up this persona of perfection, my pride got in the way and I didn't feel like I could admit that I was wrong or make mistakes because then I wouldn't be "perfect". I am getting better with admitting I'm wrong, because there is nothing wrong with making mistakes as long as you learn and acknowledge that. I can tell you that all my persona of perfection did was make me a not nice, stubborn, vain person sometimes. I also wanted to make my parents proud and it felt like that was the only way I could do it at the time. If I got straight A's that was a tangible success I could show them and I was rewarded so I kept doing it.
I was trapped in a body and a brain that I wasn't, and still am not fully, all the time, happy with. I have gone so far, but I still have so much more to go, but i'm so excited for what's to come, what I'm going to learn, who I will grow into.
I just don't know how to break this thing that I've built with perfection, it feels like a parasitic relationship or something. It just doesn't feel good at the end of the day either. The high is short-lived, it’s a short-term, little relief that helps me get through a tough day. but then the aftermath kicks in. I tried so so so hard in highschool to the point where i was terribly burnt out this September. I didn't want to do ANY work, and if you knew me in highschool, that was insanely out of character for me. I'm coming back to myself and trying to be my favourite self now. I hope to come back and share more updates about stepping into my favourite self :)
until next time,
nicole (i love u!)
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